Beyond the African nations, I’ve also been rooting for the
Netherlands, just for their long, rich history of ambiguously black
citizens. Like Ruud Gullit, who does the American broadcasts and
combines the diction of Bob Costas with the jheri curl of Jermaine
Jackson. Despite their problems this year, I also love the French,
because French women love Black men. Right back at ya Josette.

One team I’ve never liked is England, whose chances were destroyed by
the strict No Sex policy their coach imposed at the World Cup,
believing that carousing has affected the performance on the field. If
they can’t carouse, what’s the incentive to perform well? I wouldn’t
even do comedy if I couldn’t carouse. If you ask me, England threw the
Cup so they can get back home and receive the real benefits of soccer
stardom. I am glad to see them go because I’ve read my history, and I
know what happens when the English hang around too long in Africa.
Someone should check their plane before they leave just in case they try to
make off with some more natural resources.

I find that the more World Cup I watch, the more questions I have,
like for instance:

Who made the Cup? Soccer is the most popular sport in the world and
the World Cup is its showcase event. So why does the Cup look like
some thieves stole the Larry O’ Brien trophy and melted it down for
scrap metal? It looks like something you’d see at Cash 4 Gold.

What’s up with the jersey exchange? Can you refuse the jersey
exchange? Cause if it was me, and some sweaty Italian comes up to me
holding out his stank-ass jersey, I’m like, “Naw, man, I’m good – I
been following you around all day and you smell like Vlade Divac.” And
what if the guy who wants to exchange jerseys with you sucks? We
wouldn’t force Kobe to exchange jerseys with Brian Scalabrine. That’s
Luke Walton’s job.

Really? No instant replay for the world largest sporting event? The
officiating has been highly suspect, a problem FIFA seems intent to
let fester. Former US star Eric Wynalda was so upset after the US /
Slovenia game, he swore the referee was on the take. Here’s my
question – on the take for what? If you were on the take wouldn’t you
go with the richer country? Slovenia can offer a few bucks. The US can
offer Slovenia. As bad as the calls have been, i gotta stop short of
bribery, because there’s no way we’d get beaten at that game.

Again, whats with the kids on the field before the match? What happens
to them? Have you seen the way they line
them all up before the match? It’s yet another embarrassment of
playing youth soccer.

What is ESPN’s whole World Cup aesthetic? It looks like “Air Up There
meets The Lion King.” I keep waiting for Simba to run on the field and
maul two strikers, only to be recruited later by Kevin Bacon. Also, is
there a law preventing the use of shirts and shoes when depicting
Africans? I keep waiting for Voice Over guy to yell “Hooray Beer!”

According to ESPN’s commercials, there’s not a single black person in
Africa who could ever get service at a
restaurant… although I’m guessing that in ESPN’s worldview, a
“restaurant” in Africa is just an open fire, a dead rhino, and some
barefoot brothers with paint on their faces. To quote the great Gil
Scott-Heron, the revolution will NOT be televised… definitely not by
Disney.

Sat, July 24, 7pm – 8pm
The Swinging Parrot – 200 New Hartford Rd., Winsted, CT

If you’re one of the eight or nine people out there who watch The
Daily Line regularly, you know that I’m a big Laker fan and a huge
Kobe fan. But I am also a basketball fan, and these NBA Finals have
been such a disgrace that they’re actually making Soccer seem
interesting. At halftime of Game 6, I wondered aloud whether the
Serbia/Ghana game was still on. Really, all you need to know is that I
am an American Black man whose favorite team is in the NBA Finals, and
I miss hockey.

The old Celtics and Lakers rosters were stacked in the the 80’s, with
the likes of James Worthy, Dennis Johnson and even Bill Walton, beyond
the huge stars. Today, we get treated to the likes of Big Baby Davis,
Sasha Vujacic and Nate Robinson. The 80’s was Top Gun. This is Soul
Plane. Wait, I forgot about 2008—this is Soul Plane 2.

At least we were treated to incessant promos for Grownups, thereby
ensuring that noone who saw a second of the NBA Finals will ever watch
that movie. As another aside, how can the media accuse Lebron of
overshadowing the NBA Finals when Phil Jackson is sitting in King
James’ throne during the games? I think I sat in one of those at the
airport onetime—got a 30 minute message.

Okay, back to the hate. I cannot even begin to properly address my
disgust for the Lakers in Game 6. Poor Kobe—Tony Montana had more help
in the last scene of Scarface. Actually, it was more like the last
scene of Bonnie and Clyde, only if Bonnie, in the form of Pau Gasol,
turned on Clyde and shot him in the tattoo.

The Lakers performance perfectly mirrored my new Twitter avatar of a
child stuck in a toilet.The Lakers inexplicably traded Pau Gasol for
Christian Laettner between Games 4 and 5, while Lamar Odom was
suffering from flu-like symptoms. I didn’t know “suck” was a flu-like
symptom.

I will, however, give a pass to Andrew Bynum, who while gutting
through an injury, looks like Kareem Abdul Jabbar—if Kareem had never
retired and was still playing at age 63. It was nice of him to wear a
vintage WNBA knee brace though.

The rest of the team has no such excuse, although, in conclusion, I
will offer one theory to explain what happened in last night’s game.
Kobe chose the NBA Finals, but I think that somehow the other Lakers
were secretly watching True Blood.

First of all, instant replay—it will be used in baseball, it will be
used in all sports. Especially in situations when I missed something.
Also, the entirety of all women’s track events will be shown in slow
motion, instant replay on Cinemax starting at midnight. I’m also
considering this for Women’s volleyball, gymnastics and the Shake
Weight commercial.

Now for some other ideas. The ritual of the opening coin toss will be
replaced by a quick game of Cee-lo.

From now on, there will be fines and bonuses paid to athletes in all
sports based purely on entertainment value. In the NBA, for instance,
where Ron Artest only made 5.8 million this year. His entertainment
bonus will double that amount. On the other hand, Tracy McGrady made a
shocking 23.2 million, the highest paid guy in the league. Due to his
entertainment fine, however, he’ll take home about two grand.

There’s a new rule in place for the draft in every sport–each team is
allowed one time to say, “Hold up, hold up! That guy was available?
Let me get a do-over. That’s my pick.”

Atlanta will export ten thousand Black people to Milwaukee so that
Black athletes marooned on the Brewers, Bucks and Packers can finally
fill out their entourages. You go to Milwaukee and your entourage is 2
brothas, a white girl, an Asian baby and a dog.

This one’s important. Immediately after any clinching game in any
playoff series, the arena sprinkler system shall dispense champagne
upon the wives section, prompting celebratory shirt removal.

Another one that applies to all sports, and this one’s been a long
time coming: If your team name references Native Americans, your team
must be made up entirely of Native Americans. There will be no
exceptions!

In all sports, only those who made the previous year’s all-star team
shall be allowed to attend strip clubs. They also will get an
exemption from the year’s drug testing policy. This shall be known as
the Pacman Corollary.

Hockey fighting will no longer be penalized—it will be mandatory. One
period, one fight no exceptions.

Whitney Houston sings all National Anthems for all countries in all
games. I know she can’t sing anymore, I don’t care, I’m the
Commissioner dammit and Whitney keeps it real!

Finally, marijuana will no longer be a banned substance in any sport,
provided it is being used for medicinal purposes only. For as we all
know, pot can be used to help athletes manage diseases such as chronic
pain and glaucoma and the debilitating condition known as “not being
high.”

Lost in the shuffle though is the reemergence of Rafael Nadal. He
overcame a ponytale and capris to become the world’s number 1, the
first since Kelly Kapowski in 1991. Nadal dominated the French for the
5th time this weekend, second only to Bjorn Borg and Hitler. Rafa is
so dominant at Roland Garros, they call him “The King of Clay,” a
moniker he stole from Clay Aiken’s boyfriend.

More impressive, Nadal won the French for the second time without
losing a set. Not one set! That’s even harder than making it through
Prince of Persia without vomiting. Or Lindsay Lohan making it through
anything without vomiting.

After the match Nadal blamed last year’s loss at the French on low
morale, which was Sam Querry’s excuse for losing at the French this
year, and consistent with tennis’ new theme of emo. The US Open has
already approved Serena Williams’ decision to wear studded wristbands
and suspended two matches due to sadness.

At just 24, Nadal is almost five years younger than the man he
supplanted at Number 1, Roger Federer, whose overall greatness has
overshadowed much of Nadal’s own brilliance in the eyes of casual
observers. Think Farrah Fawcett who overshadowed what’s her name and
butterface in Charlie’s Angels. Or the Charlie’s Angels movies which
were overshadowed by life itself.

Rafa, now tied for fifth place with 7 Grand Slam singles titles plus
Olympic Gold, is himself one of the all time greats of tennis. But his
playing style—aggressive and rugged, and his personal style—teenage
girl Miami Vice, make him one of my favorite athletes. It’s like he’s
begging you to mock him only to reveal that he’s better than you in
every conceivable way. He’s the tennis Charlie Sheen. “I’m a drug
addicted sexaholic? Well, thanks to bad commercials with Michael
Jordan, i can afford to be both.” I love Sheen–he’s the only guy in
the support group looking for tips.

JUNE 7, 2010

The racial tension got ugly before the fight when Rashad called
Rampage an Uncle Tom, a charge Rampage completely refuted with his
ring endorsement of Boost mobile. But the “Who’s Blacker” gamesmanship
didn’t stop there. Rashad entered the octagon to Mobb Deep’s classic
“Shook Ones.” Rampage entered the octagon to a song only recognizable
to convicted felons. Rampage then countered the Uncle Tom label by
calling Rashad “gay,” which surprised me because I thought Uncle Tom
was gay. Or at least extremely metro sexual.

Once the fight got started, I admit I was torn. I’ve always loved
Rampage but I identify more with Evans, and when the final decision
was read in Rashad’s favor, I imagine that thousands of Black nerds
like myself rejoiced for finally tasting victory over their bigger,
cooler and Blacker tormenters. This one was for Steve Urkel, for Rog
from What’s Happenin, Carlton from the Fresh Prince. This one was for
Obama.

Rampage said after the fight, “I wish I never did that damn movie,”
clearly siding with everyone’s who’s seen the A-Team trailer. The
pay-per-view was littered with promos for The Expendables, an action
movie starring every actor who’s ever made you day, “I’m sure glad he
stopped making action movies.”

Finally, I’d like to point out that the crowd at the fight was a who’s
who of the Black A-list. My man Mike Tyson, Snoop Dogg… Hammer.
Hammer?!? Did he take a loan out for his seat? Seein Hammer at a fight
in Vegas is like running into your boy who still owes you 50 bucks and
he’s stuffing his face with lobster and shrimp. Shouldn’t you be
working?

May 31, 2010