Black Eye for Soccer Guy
I’m enjoying the World Cup so far, I admit I’m not a huge soccer fan,
but I’m starting to take it pretty seriously, because, well, the rest
of the world does. In the World Cup they play for pride, love of
country, and, according to the pre-match ritual, children. As a black
man, I feel definite pride watching this World Cup in South Africa,
although the African countries have played so badly it’s making me
rethink my position on affirmative action. I’m embarrassed by their
effort, and my only comfort is in knowing that I’m probably not from
any of those countries.
Beyond the African nations, I’ve also been rooting for the
Netherlands, just for their long, rich history of ambiguously black
citizens. Like Ruud Gullit, who does the American broadcasts and
combines the diction of Bob Costas with the jheri curl of Jermaine
Jackson. Despite their problems this year, I also love the French,
because French women love Black men. Right back at ya Josette.
One team I’ve never liked is England, whose chances were destroyed by
the strict No Sex policy their coach imposed at the World Cup,
believing that carousing has affected the performance on the field. If
they can’t carouse, what’s the incentive to perform well? I wouldn’t
even do comedy if I couldn’t carouse. If you ask me, England threw the
Cup so they can get back home and receive the real benefits of soccer
stardom. I am glad to see them go because I’ve read my history, and I
know what happens when the English hang around too long in Africa.
Someone should check their plane before they leave just in case they try to
make off with some more natural resources.
I find that the more World Cup I watch, the more questions I have,
like for instance:
Who made the Cup? Soccer is the most popular sport in the world and
the World Cup is its showcase event. So why does the Cup look like
some thieves stole the Larry O’ Brien trophy and melted it down for
scrap metal? It looks like something you’d see at Cash 4 Gold.
What’s up with the jersey exchange? Can you refuse the jersey
exchange? Cause if it was me, and some sweaty Italian comes up to me
holding out his stank-ass jersey, I’m like, “Naw, man, I’m good – I
been following you around all day and you smell like Vlade Divac.” And
what if the guy who wants to exchange jerseys with you sucks? We
wouldn’t force Kobe to exchange jerseys with Brian Scalabrine. That’s
Luke Walton’s job.
Really? No instant replay for the world largest sporting event? The
officiating has been highly suspect, a problem FIFA seems intent to
let fester. Former US star Eric Wynalda was so upset after the US /
Slovenia game, he swore the referee was on the take. Here’s my
question – on the take for what? If you were on the take wouldn’t you
go with the richer country? Slovenia can offer a few bucks. The US can
offer Slovenia. As bad as the calls have been, i gotta stop short of
bribery, because there’s no way we’d get beaten at that game.
Again, whats with the kids on the field before the match? What happens
to them? Have you seen the way they line
them all up before the match? It’s yet another embarrassment of
playing youth soccer.
What is ESPN’s whole World Cup aesthetic? It looks like “Air Up There
meets The Lion King.” I keep waiting for Simba to run on the field and
maul two strikers, only to be recruited later by Kevin Bacon. Also, is
there a law preventing the use of shirts and shoes when depicting
Africans? I keep waiting for Voice Over guy to yell “Hooray Beer!”
According to ESPN’s commercials, there’s not a single black person in
Africa who could ever get service at a
restaurant… although I’m guessing that in ESPN’s worldview, a
“restaurant” in Africa is just an open fire, a dead rhino, and some
barefoot brothers with paint on their faces. To quote the great Gil
Scott-Heron, the revolution will NOT be televised… definitely not by
Disney.