That Time I Fought With My Girlfriend While Onstage
My girlfriend was there, but not just any girlfriend. She was the hottest girl I’d ever dated, so I was extremely paranoid. I never felt safe. Even when she went to the bathroom, i was afraid some guy would poke his head out of the toilet, like “How you doin? There’s a tub right there with your name on it…I got benefits!” Just trying to poke holes in my game.
Before the show, a magnum of Carlo Rossi wine, or as I called it “The Usual.” But this time, i was still nervous after the wine, so I went back to the liquor store. Do you kow how embarassing it is to buy 2 bottles of wine by yourself, then be back at the store 90 minutes later…by yourself. I’m lying for no reason, talking about “I’m having a dinner party.” If i was having a dinner party, I damn sure wouldn’t bring booze. Free booze is the only reason to go to a dinner party. That’s why i haven’t been to one since i stopped drinking.
So I took back my case of beer, and drank as many as I could before the show started. Then I remembered I wasn’t going up first, so i had another. Then I had to use the bathroom, so I had another. Then Sportscenter’s top 10 plays came on, and I can’t just leave when that’s on, so i had another. I finally show up at the show, and I’m so drunk, the bartender cut me off on sight. Do you have any idea, how drunk you have to be to get cut off on sight? I got onstage and did a few minutes of material, and despite my best efforts, it’s going well. when i looked up and my girlfriend and my roommate were talking…during my set…and I just lost it. It was months of insecurity and paranoia, along with feelking empowered cause I’m onstage, and last but not least, I’ve been drinking for 6 hours at this point. “You can tell how long they’ve been homeless by looking at their feet…..O, so you just gonna sit in my show and run your mouth huh? Right in front of my face? You gonna hook up wit another dude right in front of my face? And my rommate at that? You gonna make me listen to you cheat on me? You know our rooms are next to each other–we share a bathroom! You jezebel you! My momma warned me about people like you! I can’t believe youy would do this to me!” ….and then I tried to go right back into material, “I can’t believe you did this to me–i just wanna kill myself…does anybody believe in aliens? I tried to act like nothing happened. meanwhile the audience reacted like they just witnessed a terrorist attack. I overheard one woman say, “I hope she guts him like a fish!”
Frightened for my life, I walked offstage, and when i got to the door…i kept walking. But, I was afraid to go home. I knew just what i needed to do–more drinking. Unfortunately, there was only one place still open at that time, and got banned for life just a week before. To this day, I have no idea what i did to get banned, but I probably urinated on something or started a race discussion–cause that’ what I like to do when I’m drunk. At first, I tried to act like nothing happened, but when he called me out, I got angry, “O, I see what’s goin on here, you won’t serve me cause I’m black…that’s discrimination. I oughta call the cops!” He answered, “You’re damn right it’s discrimination, but it’s not cause you’re black, it’s cause you’re an asshole. Go ahead, call the cops.” So, I took out my cellphone..and dialed 911.”
Operator: 911, emergency
Me: Yes, it’s Reese Waters, I’m at Sunshine Liquors, and they refuse to serve me!
O: Sir, is this an emergency?
M: Hell yeah, it’s an emergency. I accused my girlfriend of cheating on me and I’m scared to go home
O: Maam, I mean Sir, please only use thisn number for real emergencies, but I will dispatch officers to your location.
So, as I waited for the officers to come, it just dawned on me, that’s wasn’t very smart. I called the cops to me and i’m as drunk as I’ve ever been in my life. I begged them not to take me in–I lived right down the street, so they gave me one chance–someone had to vouch for me. So, I called me house…and my girlfriend picked up. I chose to spend the night in jail. It was safer.